The long lasting presence of storm clouds covering me with their filter of sunlight has come to an end. Now, in the presence of direct sunlight, it has come to my perception just how much it is that I avoid doing.
I guess to in part introduce myself and go deeper on the ‘about me’ paragraph found on this site I should say that I am (somewhat of) a musician. I like making music, I play the guitar, (attempt to) sing, play some keys, etc. My main passion regarding music is and will probably always be: songwriting.
Having said that, I don’t do it as much as I would like to. I don’t do it as well as I would like to. (That last part being one of the reasons for the first one). And that brings me down considerably.
I know I am not the only soul involved in artistic expression, or hell even music, that is discontent with their work. I don’t know how everybody else does it, but this really brings me down.
I don’t think I have a healthy relationship with my creative work. It’s been like that for ages, I would struggle to even pretend to have a solution for it.
And why do I mention it this autumn? Well, mainly for two reasons.
First: As I said in my journal entry for the date 07/04/2025 (ddMMyyyy everyone), I was holding a campaign on instagram in search of a drummer for our band.That was a rollercoaster of itself, I will not go into further details about it right now, but we ended up finding someone. Really cool guy, let’s call him S for now (to keep people’s privacy in a pretty silly way). S is a really good drummer, so good in fact he actually works as a session musician, studies drums and plans to proceed with a professional career in this field.
First rehearsal went well, introductory, second one, awful (due to multiple unrelated facts). We talked about our work dynamic from now on during this second meeting and we agreed to aim to write and record a few songs so that we know what to rehearse, and then practice them, polish them, release them, and play them live.
Great! – you might think. That 's awesome! – You might say. And I would agree with you, if it were not for the fact that now… the storm clouds have moved away from the sky revealing the sunlight right on my face and I so happen to be scared of it.
Now, here’s the thing. Objectively, I can and have already written many songs. That is not the issue. My problem (which has been the same for the past year, just that it’s been hiding behind other circumstances) is that I am scared of sucking !!!!!!! . My voice sucks, I can barely play and sing and also, I am not that good of a fucking songwriter.
It terrifies me to picture myself in the position of presenting something and have to force people’s kindness out of them in order for them not to feel as if they were gonna hurt my feelings. I think about this, either consciously or subconsciously, constantly. And it affects my disposition to practice, and write, and fail to then try again.
This has been a constant fear for the past I don't know how many years. But this problem seems to increase in importance, the older I get. Because of my second reason: this autumn, on May the 1st, I’ll be turning 25 years old.
Now, age is not something that weighs on me as much as it’d seem considering how often I mention it. It only affects me when I run it through this thought process, beware of the most corrosive string of thoughts in my brain: most musicians I admire, at my age, had already released albums, or were in the works to do so. You name the exception, I won’t care! It's rooted deeply in my mind, and it only grows further in.
I treat it in a rather silly way, but it actually affects me deeply.
I’ve been doing something wrong these past couple days. I’ve been imagining my life had I not succumbed to fear at each instance I had the opportunity to do so. Especially when it came to facing something I would have liked to have learned from an early age, and did not go for it, just because I was scared or embarrassed. I’ll drop it right now, I don’t think it is healthy to go down that path, or worse, stay there.
What worries me is to remain scared for the rest of my life. To not do a thing, to always have an excuse. To move further where the storm clouds could cover me.
To leave this section on a more positive note, I will try to write those songs, around 5 or 6, by the end of this month. Let’s see how it goes.
I will write another blog entry explaining why this is important to me on a deep level, but for now, I’ll say that I started watching seasonal (and off season) anime again. It’s been ages, really. But I have started that. I’ve always meant to do this sort of representation of a TV Guide indicating what series I am currently watching, and I might add that somewhere on this site, I think it’s a cool way to share what I am watching and also remind myself of what the hell I am watching and when it comes out.
I’m watching Kowloon Generic Romance, Lazarus, Yaiba and another one I cannot remember the name of (I haven’t started it yet). Let’s hope I can maintain them throughout the season.
‘I want to see people and I want to see life’.
I was speaking to a friend like a month ago and we both agreed that we’d be disappointed if we were to move out of the country right now. Like there are a lot of things pending, experiences to live, places to be at, etc.
We went out with my girlfriend last Saturday and walked around the city. It was so much fun, but I did feel like we were running short on options on what to do. I mean, there’s theaters and restaurants but I don’t have the money to just casually do that on a random saturday night. Things are really expensive.
Also, Buenos Aires’ bars? You should be ashamed of yourself. It is embarrassing that a person in their twenties cannot find an interesting place to have a drink in. Embarrassing.
This season, I want to reconnect with old things that made me happy. Anime, movies, games, books. I want to face fears that have been putting me down for so long. I want to get to 25 knowing I am moving forward, not just dragging the past along.
I want to harness the cold. I want soups and warm teas and coffee. I want blankets and comfy beds. I want warm indoor afternoons, and cold fun outside nights. I want to get my eyes tired from screen exposure due to spending time doing something that I love on the pc, or reading something on my tablet.
I would like to read more magazines, write one even. I would like to write down the concept for a game we’ve been thinking about developing with a friend for a while. I would like to move further away from social media and focus more on this site.
Autumn is my favourite season of the year, I want it to be the catapulting point for the rest of it. I want to pick myself up. That is where my mind is this autumn.