EREBUS

estructuras estructuras estructuras

Hay una extraña disonancia en mis procesos creativos la cuál me representa una complicación monumental a la hora de querer apuntar hacia mejores resultados. No entro en estructuras, no funciono con pensamientos analíticos. Mi mente artística funciona mejor en pequeños tramos de emociones fuertes y expresión de libre flujo. Pero esto no ayuda a mejorar, y quiero mejorar.

Quisiera algún día ser parte de la comuna de virtuosos creativos quienes hacen a voluntad, aquellos que no le temen a una página en blanco o una habitación en silencio. Hay un umbral muy grande en frente mío. Y no sé cómo cruzarlo.

Es extraño porque mi mente, para todo menos esto, funciona de manera extremadamente lógica. Rara vez tomo decisiones basadas en mis emociones, y siempre me jacto de hacer “lo correcto”, lo cual no necesariamente es siempre lo mejor, o lo que está bien.

¡A diario me rompo por tantas partes! No es sorpresa que me cueste encontrarme a la mañana cuando me despierto.

Hace poco ninjaweb publicó lo siguiente en el feed de neocities:

“Have you ever consider the weight of your words ? Can we express about anything on the web ? What about perceptions and opinions of others ?”

Pensé en contestarle, pero no me salieron las palabras para articular una idea clara y concisa de lo que quería decir, así que me cohibí.

Pero en mi propia página, la cuál solía tener el eslogan de “my digital brain and personal trashbin” voy a abstenerme de hacer lo que hago cada segundo en mi cabeza: dejar correr un flujo descontrolado representativo de fragmentos de la lengua castellana e inglesa que de vez en cuando, capturados en forma muy específica, toman sentido.

¿Hay gente que no piensa en el peso de sus palabras? ¿En la percepción de otros? Yo no podría escribir una letra de no ser porque estoy al tanto que esta página no la ve casi nadie. Tengo en mente siempre lo que piensan los demás. Tengo siempre presente que para cada cosa que digo, siempre hay alguien que sabe más, que puede corregirme. Esto último no me representa algo negativo, al contrario, considero que las correcciones e indicaciones de alguien con verdaderos y profundos conocimientos sobre algo que yo mencione es una oportunidad magnífica para crecer. Lo que me hace sentir mal, es la idea de estar hablando al mundo sobre un tema, a sabiendas de que no soy yo el más indicado para hacerlo.

Por eso me cohibo tanto. Por eso me cuesta expresarme. Siento que para expresar la más mínima de mis ideas, tengo que hacer un estudio de campo, una investigación en profundidad, una tésis universitaria, y aún así, no estaría satisfecho, porque siempre hay algo más allá, algo que se ignora.

Hasta me da rechazo releer mis propias palabras, porque la crítica y la capacidad para re pensar y sobre pensar y re contra analizar y dudar y re mil dudar pesa como un grillete gigantesco y, si lo miro, no escribo. Y si no escribo, voy muriendo por dentro a pasos agigantados.

No voy a releer, hoy no. Tal vez mañana.

14:22. It's just until now that I find the opportunity to journal today. This past week has been horrible.

My job situation is dreadful. Nobody knows where this is gonna get us. I've started looking for a new job since last thursday and in preparation for it I've been consuming nothing but programming content and theory and still none of it seems enough. I've managed to gather interest from a few companies of which I am not optimistic of their analysis of me. It all seems like a massive waste of time.

Also, I'm doing everything with such a massive feeling of despair. It feels the world is ending around me, I swear. Yesterday I tried to take a nap and, I kid you not, I slept around 40 minutes in which I dreamt constantly of fucking Linkedin. It's breaking my heart.

I'm so tired. So, so tired.

Hardly anything remains from the cartoonish lollipop-induced awakening I had yesterday. I had some trouble sleeping due to my irresponsibility and insistence in reiterating in my mind an idea I had for a blog post. I must have hit 6.5 hours, which isn't much of a difference considering I was at 7 hours yesterday, but if you take into consideration the hedonistic amount of hours I dedicate to sleep during the weekend, it starts making more sense.

Today is a gorgeous thunderstorm day. However, I'm cautious with that exclamation, since the bulk of it is yet to fall down. Checking the weather up just disappointed me a little. But anyhow, the cold rainy breeze that hit my face when I went out of my apartment helped make the commute easier. I've been listening to horror stories since I got out of bed. I find comfort in this.

I remember this one afternoon as if it were the wallpaper for my brain. I was a child who had just come back from primary school, my grandmother made me lunch and the afternoon had settled in full. Earlier that day, as I was getting into the school bus, we were all (adults included) amazed by the magnificence of the thunderstorm that was about to come upon us. The day had turned into night all of a sudden. And now the afternoon had settled and the rain had been falling for a couple of hours already. At first timidly, but now it wasn't holding anything back. I was on my old computer, a boxy beige machine that ran windows xp, searching for horror stories on youtube. I came across some of the now classic creepypastas, I came upon a video telling that pokemon story about Hypno being a child kidnapper. That one video in particular had the song that was made for that story. The "come little children" one.

I don't think I was particularly scared due to technically fitting the demographic targeted by Hpyno itself, but the song and the way it was produced stayed with me for much longer. I remember I got up from the pc and went to the living room/dining room (a small room that was both things at the same time, and also, neither). I went past a bedroom I shared with my grandmother for years (I don't recall if at this point we were still sharing it, although I would suppose yes) and caught a quick glance of her saints collection, lit up by a small candlelight. The house was, and still is, extremely dark due to the sparse presence of windows which were located mostly on the vertical extremes of the property disregarding most of the space in between. The living room was one of these rooms that existed on the far end of the property, it had this massive window which occupied the vast majority of the wall it was installed on and there they were two carob tree armchairs with odd red tapestry. My grandmother used to sit on one of those for hours (she did this for years, but eventually I stopped associating her and the armchair, although at that same exact spot was the last time I would see her alive and well in our house, in what would be 5 or 6 years later).

I sat next to her for a bit and she asked if I was ok, I said I was and remained there for a while to calm myself down. That room shined brighter than it was allowed by the world. It was fresh on a humid summer night when the heat won't let you sleep, and warm on the bleak winter afternoons.

I don't know if those places are allowed to exist in this world anymore. I certainly have not seen one as such in the past decade.

I hope they do. The children need those places more than anyone. Otherwise, they might worry that Hypno will in fact come to them, so many years before realizing that's not that bad of a plan after all.

I heard of a guy who would journal 750 words precisely every day. I do not know where that number comes from, but I liked it, so here's my attempt at it.

The humidity in the air is making me feel sick and sticky. For the first time in all summer mornings, I crave a shower more than I do a bed.

Last night the Superbowl was on. The Eagles were up against the Chiefs. We've been watching it with my girlfriend every year for the past three because of the trailers and the half-time show. This time it was Kendrick who did it and it was really good. By the time he took stage though, the game was already for the Eagles. I went to sleep as soon as he finished.

Last Wednesday, out of the blue, the government announced the dissolution of the agreement that gave a private entity half of the control of the organisation I work for. Now we are all going to be state workers. I say that and it sounds simple enough, the reality is we are being forced to sign our resignation, then expect to be rehired under a salary that could go from 80% of what we're making right now, or all the way down to 50%. To save time and effort I consider myself virtually unemployed. The whole situation felt like a slap on the face.

I´m currently looking for a new job (been at it for two days, which happened to be a weekend). Learning new stuff, and trying to figure out how the following months are going to look like. The uncertainty is not something in which I find comfort. At all. Especially with economic connotations. I don't know.

I may be needing more hours of sleep on a daily basis. I slept 7 last night and woke up feeling like the world was an old cartoon with the sun and flowers and cars all smiling at me. And that was 7 hours, picture 8! 9!! I don't think I've made it past the 6-hour mark more than 8 times in the past year. My body has certainly felt it. Increasingly through the last year, I started reporting more and more health problems. Like an old rusty pipe, I've been leaking slightly through multiple parts of my body. Why don't I go to bed earlier, you ask? There are a bunch of reasons, but I do not feel like delving into that right now, so let's just say: I'm a moron.

With my girlfriend, we went to watch Anora on Saturday night. We've been watching most Oscar nominees for the past couple of years (she does this more passionately than me). And with the case of this year's nomination, I feel pretty underwhelmed.

Anora was a nice film about a woman trying to escape the gruesome reality of low-income capitalism (and sex work, exploitation, sexism..) by marrying a dumb billionaire kid (of whom I think she sort of grows slightly fond for a small fraction of the movie). This doesn't fly well with his family and therefore she sees herself obligated to anulate the marriage. I couldn't help but think throughout the movie: "She's quit her job, now what's she gonna do? If only she knew early this wasn't gonna fly she might have not gotten involved at all". Very simpleton mindset of mine, maybe. At the end of the movie, the poor remain poor, the rich see no consequences, and the fight is lost once again. There is more to talk about this movie, I may expand upon it on a different occasion.

As I said, it was a nice one, certainly different from the hellhole that Emilia Perez represents. And oh dear good if my pinche puta vulva doesn't hurt when I think about this movie. Conclave was alright too, I have not yet seen The Brutalist, although it did throw me off that they used AI for some aspects of the film. I really need to watch I'm Still Here. The Substance was great, and a really important movie which I'm glad is out there. Wicked was also really good.

Going back to why I feel underwhelmed, I think it is because the good nominated movies are in fact good, but there's not a great movie I can stand behind as I felt in previous years (consider the ones I have yet to watch!). We'll see. I'd like to make a bingo closer to the ceremony, I could potentially share it with you.

Actualicé la página nuevamente, esta vez agregué lo que hablé ayer de traducir el sitio al español. Me pone contento tener ambos idiomas a disposición en la página, es una de las cosas que más me gustaba de la versión anterior.

También agregué unas tags (violentamente inspiradas por estas que están muy lindas) para marcar el contenido que es exclusivamente en español o inglés, y también aquellos que estén en un idioma pero con traducción próxima a realizar.

I updated the site again, this time I added what I mentioned yesterday about translating the site into spanish.

I'm happy to have both languages coexist on the page, that was one of my favourite features on the previous version of the site. I also added new tags (heavily inspired by these ones) to mark content which is made in one of the two languages, and for those that will be translated I added a 'pending translation' tag.

New version is up! Took me longer than what I thought it would but I'm quite happy with the result. I will expand on the experience on the blog section when I get time to sit down and write. Feels nice to have my own space up and running. I had issues with my previous page since I could never quite make it to function as a place in which to post work rather than being a linktree.

There are still some functionalities that I haven’t got around to make, but the barebones of it are all here. Somethings I'd like to work on in the future are:

• translating the site to spanish
• adding commments and/or an embed of my previous guestbook
• add the option to subscribe through RSS

Among others.

For now, and if you're reading this, I hope you like the page! Feel free to comment something on neocities if you do so, I'd very much appreciate it! :^).

Ok so journaling. Making the website from scratch has been fun and has kept me entertained vastly, but I’m starting to get a bitt tired of constantly working on it, not because I don’t enjoy it but for the reason that I have barely even done anything besides coding this.

I’ve been meaning not to publish it on to neocities until the whole site is done, but I may deploy it halfway through. We’ll see.

We went to watch ’Conclave’ with my girlfriend over the weekend; It was alright. I liked seeing the protocols and traditions regarding the death of a pope (I have not and will not check the authenticity of what was portrayed in the movie simply because I don’t care nearly as much).

I do have to say that I found the audience to be slightly annoying since they were laughing at the film at times when I believe they were missing the point. I heard some people complaining about the same during screenings of ‘Nosferatu’.

That being said, I might just be a tight ass.

Also, one of my wisdom teeth seems to be on its way out.

I struggle with prepositions just as much as on the very first day of learning english so, apologies.

On that circle of emotions people like to bring up from time to time, where does feeling like an utterly worthless and untalented blob fall? Genuine question.

I've been meaning to re-do my neocities page for quite some time now. I didn't particularly disliked my previous one, but I felt like it didn't represent me anymore. Also, the fact that I never got around to make it look good if it wasn't exclusively on 1080p resolution always bothered me, so I ended up scratching the whole thing and starting from zero. This is the result of that. Now I plan to update this frequently. I know everybody says that, but I (somewhat) promise!